A Wrinkle in Time and my Fear of Death

You're about to call me ridiculous, silly and...well, very easily influenced. Maybe you saw my tweets in the last few days and thus saw my little mini panic attack! Before I go on you really need to be aware that I'm 20 years old. Well, 20 and a half year old. Hardly old. In fact I'd not even call myself a proper adult yet. I'm basically a baby chick. Barely hatched. 

I found a wrinkle. Under my right eye. After washing my hands last night I looked in the mirror and found that my concealer had gathered in a little crevice. Hastily wiping at said crevice made me notice just how deep said "laugh line" is. I may have cried. Seriously! I feel incredibly silly. I mean, I'm the one who seriously believes neither 30, 40 or 50 are old ages. I believe in ageing gracefully, allowing people to make their own choices and that one can constantly be young at heart.

Is this another one of those things where I'm easy on other people but when it happens to me it's a tragedy? Taking a look at Bobbi Brown's Pretty Powerful campaign has me admiring laugh lines and grey hair. All these are proof of a life lived.

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 LiVED! The last syllable is where my fear comes from. L jokingly said, "Don't you know we're all dying from the day we're born?" Of course I know that! As depressing as that thought is I am very aware that most things in life can be avoided- except for death. Wrinkles mean closer to death. Closer to life being over. Closer to having lived one's life.

There have been many moments in my life where I've found myself wishing for death to come already. Nothing seems harder than to have to wait for the inevitable. I could die of a heart attack at age 40, in a car crash tomorrow or I could peacefully fall asleep at age 98. Or I could choose to die whenever I feel like it. Don't worry, guys, this is not going to be one of those posts. Because I fear death. I fear wasting years of hard work and accomplishment. I fear falling asleep and...all of a sudden not existing any more. Ping. Just like that.

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Usually my fears are only placed onto other people in my life. I hate it when L drives somewhere by herself, I go insane when I lose my sister in a crowd and as a child I always feared my mother getting behind the wheel while angry. When I forget to mumble a sleepy, "I love you," to L in the mornings I convince myself that something terrible may happen to her during the day! Because what'll happen if they leave me here? I'll be all alone. And I really can't take being all alone. I'm an introvert, but I need to know (constantly!) that at the end of the day someone is there who loves me. Somewhere. 

Before mentioned wrinkle showed me that my fears are creeping into my life. Not only is death and decay everywhere in the media. (A terrorist attack here, a father setting a house on fire there. Car crashes, plane crashes, Margaret Thatcher dead. The list goes on and on!) No, now I can see decay on my own body. So, please forgive me when I have a panic attack about all of this. It really doesn't have as much to do with vanity as you may think. 

And with that my rather melodramatic rant is over! Kiss your lovers, partners, children, mothers, fathers and friends as much as possible. Please tell them you love them several times a day! Don't be as crazy about it as I am, but just make sure they know.

Lots of love,

Nina 

p.s. No need to reassure me that no, I don't actually have one foot in the grave. I am aware of how ridiculous my little psychosis is. I know, I know!

Manic Pixie Dream Girls

Guys, guys, I'm back! Did you miss me? Even notice I disappeared for a bit? I'm sure you did! ;) While I was away getting my luuurveee on I had a significant incease in spam messages. L took that to mean that I'm internet famous now. I disagree and think it's simply a sign that I need to add one of those annoying, "what words and numbers are in the above field," thingies. I will probably do so, but only if you promise to still comment. Please? I'm rather fickle and when I feel like I'm talking to myself I get discouraged. The reason this blog was created was so I wouldn't feel so gosh darn lonely! Keep me company, folks. 

Anyway, onto what I'm actually here to talk about- my hair. Bien sûr! As one of the quite feminine ladies in the lesbian club my hair and I are constantly on a war path with each other. It hates me and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, sure, right now, running my hands through it makes me all giddy with excitement because oh boy, it's soft! It just feels so genuinely nice. And if I want to whack some braids in there it even looks kinda funky! And, let's not forget that I have one of those full on fringes. It's great, I can hide my eyebrows behind it when I've been lazy with them! 

That's me! Yesterday! In the elevator!

None the less I have had an obsession with a certain pixie cut ever since I saw Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. She starts out as a boring (yea, right!) princess with long locks and transforms herself into the little gamine beauty we know and love via a haircut. Taaadaaa! Thus I have had many short hair cuts ranging from the little bit gay (anything asymmetrical, really) to plain old cute and funky (the before mentioned Audrey crop).

Ginnifer Goodwin

 With the likes of Ginnifer Goodwin, Emma Watson and Michelle Williams sporting this amazing do once again, I am, of course, feeling inspired. I'm yearning to get into that chair where the magic happens! I wanna be a little pixie again, balancing through life on a whim! 

The flawless Michelle Williams

 In come the nay sayers, my mother hates the idea as she loves all the fun I have pin curling my hair. L is terrified we'll end up merging. And I'm terrified of looking like a lesbian. Yep, that's right. Hypocrite! On the one hand I want to be recognised as one of you guys and then in the same thought I'm terrified of looking vaguely butch. As soon as the locks come off I stop leaving the house without make up on. It's a very thin line between glowing Anne Hathaway at the Oscars and starving Fantine in the streets! 

A rather blurry photo of me, age 16!

What do you guys think? Take the chop? How can I make myself go to the hairdressers on a regular basis after the initial snip snip? How can I find a hairdresser who is GOOD at that fine line between butch and gamine? Shall I write a little guide on how to keep one's femme-itude post potential lesbian haircut? 

Toodles,

Nina

p.s. I'm totally aware that both butch and femme are more than a haircut an more than just clothing.

Peeves Me: Girls who play dumb

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I have a little pet peeve. Well, no, I have lots of pet peeves, but today I'm here to talk about one specific one. I hate girls, or women, who like to play dumb. They're the ones sat in your English class and asking what WWII is while giggling innately and batting their eye lashes. All three of those traits aren't necessarily morally wrong but when combined into one easy peasy, "Boys like me more if I pretend not to have a brain," sandwich my blood starts to boil. I turn into my alter ego: Snarky Bitch Face. And I hate it. I know I should be patient, explain and ask her if she has any questions but what I really want to do when she responds to the question, "What's your favourite book?" with, "What are books, are those edible?" is stick a pencil in my eye. Or her eye. 

Her pet peeve is probably the really annoying girl in her English class who starts tapping her foot in annoyance whenever she is asked to pick the verb out of a sentence. I admit it, I'm Hermione Granger. I like knowing things, I read a lot and yes, ignorance is annoying as hell. When people call me out on my ignorance I try to better myself and not make it a cutesy trait of myself! I can live with stupidity, that's fine. It's when people are making themselves appear stupid- that rattles my cage. 

In the words of Tina Fey, "You don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you!" 

Do you know anyone like this in your life? Share the story! Do you think I'm over-exaggerating (I'm not)? Do you think I'm projecting, am I really Dumb Girl?

Toodles,

Nina

Current Top 6 Wish List

Remember how I was telling you about my little lists yesterday? I thought I'd share it today! somebody mentioned wanting to see the Filofax as well and I promise I'll make that happen, but I need a bit of time to take some good photos.

1. Chanel Rouge Allure Luminous Intense Lip Colour, Passion

£25.00

Oh boy, what a long title for a lipstick! I know, I know, I definitely have enough red lipsticks these days and need to start moving into more neutral, pinky shades, but there's just something about them! Red lipstick is the ultimate grown up make-up product. If strawberry Lip Smackers are on one side of the spectrum, deep, vampy red lipstick is on the other side. And of course, it comes in Chanel.

2. MAC Lipstick, Plumful

£15.50

Here, told you I was giving non-reds a go too! Even as winter is coming to a close I'm finding myself oddly drawn to these plum shades- be it on nails or lips. Of course it helps that I discovered dear Lily Pebbles on the blogosphere and she absolutely rocks this colour!

3. MAC Blush, Pink Swoon

£17.50

Simply because L's favourite product on me is still blush and this seems like one of those perfect, post running around in the cold (or other shenanigans) pinks.

4. Nars Blush, Outlaw

£21.50

I've been researching this one like crazy because it seems to produce those "Snow White Apfelbackchen" that I really love. Sadly the pigmentation seems to vary greatly for different people. To be honest, a little less pigmentation in a Nars blush may be pretty great anyway as it's quite easy to go over the top with them.

5. Kai Perfume Oil

£40.00

I have a sample of this kicking about somewhere and it just smells wonderfully fresh! The kind of perfume, in oil form, that just reminds you of being on the beach somewhere. Scents are so heavily linked to memories and feelings to me that I can't help but feel all relaxed. I've just run out so it's time to save up for the big size! 

6. Escentric Molecules, Molecule 01

£27.00

This is definitely my most wanted product this month. For those of you who follow me on twitter, you know how much I love my perfumes. This one has a little different twist to it. It is only made up of a single molecule, which is said to simply enhance and place your personal pheromones in the best light possible. Apparently you stop being able to smell it on yourself very quickly, but others keep smelling pure awesome sauce. Certainly interesting! 

What's on your wish list at the moment? Have you tried any of these?

Toodles,

Nina

Got a cheap recomendation?

I really miss the days of not being a student and being able to go out and buy a pair of jeans, go to the movies and have some after work drinks. These days those events never happen within the same day, week or month. I basically have a big list in the back of the Filofax and on the side of my desktop screen where I write down anything that I really, really crave. This stuff ranges from specific make-up products, perfumes and clothing to books and "events." I'm definitely not an impulse buy kinda person. Everything gets researched to bits, because with limited funds buying stuff that I don't love only ends up making me cry. 

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L and I have been in a bit of a rut when it comes to doing stuff for this reason though. I know that there's fabulous nearly free things to do, but most things do cost an arm and a leg. We can't afford to go to dinner every week and as we're in England it's hardly long romantic walks on the promenade weather. Hopefully we'll be off to visit London Science Museum later in the month as it keeps getting recommended to me and entry is free (!). While I'm more of an art museum lover I'm sure this is something we'll both be able to enjoy together. 

Have you guys got any tips for cheap date nights and days? We'll soon have an entire week off together and I really don't want to end up sat inside playing Kingdoms of Amalur all weekend! We've already made plans to visit the gym lots as that's definitely a couple's activity we both love to indulge in. 

Toodles,

Nina

Is Girls really better than Sex and the City?

Lena Dunham's new show Girls keeps being compared to Sex and the City and it garners continuous praise for showing us what the world is really like. It's a world where the main character looks just like you and me, wears tattered underwear instead of Agent Provocateur and stumbles and falls. The show is critiqued for too much unnecessary nudity (no problem over here) and for portraying overly privileged people. But rather than these overly privileged people using their privilege to get ahead they make the mistakes we all make. They sleep with bosses, deal with harassment and break long-term lovers' hearts. Yes, we can relate, but I found myself giving up on the show because I didn't want to relate any more. Instead of making me happy it made me fearful and...a little bit empty on the inside.

When I was 12 (far too young, let's move on) I discovered Sex and the City on HBO on Demand. Yes, it probably made me feel like I should be buying Blahniks instead of books and Prada instead of pencils, but at the end of the day it made me happy to watch. It allowed me to dream of a world where I too would have 3 best friends, all completely different, who would be my anchor. I didn't realise I was gay yet, but whether Carrie got Mr. Big or not didn't matter in the end. The relationships I was rooting for weren't those of Steve and Miranda and Charlotte and Harry. I was always rooting for the golden quartet- Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. I was excited for these for these strong, capable women. And yes, their worlds always fell to pieces when their relationship went to shit, but so does mine! I'm terrible at keeping my personal and my private life separate. If one sucks, the other will suffer. Girls not only doesn't seem to have that same connection between its female characters, but it also discusses the same topics- only without the pinky glasses. Instead of tackling other problems like passing the Bechdel test Girls also discusses the same themes found in Sex and the City. However, while Carrie always made me feel good about myself and my potential, Hannah only makes me want to crawl under the blankets and hide from the real world. The real world is harsh and it is painful. But none the less I'd rather take 40 minutes of escapism than 40 minutes of reality underlined with darkly comedic elements. 

Did I give up on it too soon? Do we get more substance at some point?A part of me wonders if I tried so hard with Girls, because the world was telling me to like it. 

Toodles,

Nina

Striding with Purpose

The other day I was on my way to boots to pick up some photography work, make-up wipes and shaving cream. I wasn't in a particular hurry and walking at a pace that I, fast walking and talking person, consider a stroll. A man in the crowd caught my eye and smiled. I quickly recognised him as the pony tailed, Harley Davidson riding bloke that lives in my building. Actual proper introductions were made, hands were shaken and he said, "It's funny, I recognised you by your walk, you walk with such purpose!"

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That, to me, is a compliment that I will happily take. While talking to L earlier we came up with a name for it. It's femme swagger! Not quite a strut, never a slouch and far from the crawling paces small towns seem to ask for. I pass as straight pretty much anywhere, but have always stood by the fact that there are some parts of me that finely tuned gaydar, maybe honed by a dapper butch, will pick up on. My walk is one of those things. Whether my feet are in riding boots, heels or dainty ballerinas...the act of walking is something which has a specific purpose and intention. I get from point A to point B, while I admire the scenery along the road, I aim for the end. Yes, yes, I know that the journey should be the destination and all that, but it's kind of...not? The destination is the destination. 

Compared to my straight counterparts (ATTENTION: I am about to stereotype) I do not tread the ground lightly. I stomp with the beat of jazz music, make impact on the ground and cover ground with my short-girl legs. When did society start demanding that women float above ground, barely making contact? The pixie dream girls floating in our universe without a set point B appear to be the ideal. Can this be linked to the way we should not make too much impact on conversations? Seen, but never heard? Am I vastly exaggerating again? Were your boots made for walking? How do you walk? How is mannerism and gayness linked?P Please share!

Toodles,

Nina