You're about to call me ridiculous, silly and...well, very easily influenced. Maybe you saw my tweets in the last few days and thus saw my little mini panic attack! Before I go on you really need to be aware that I'm 20 years old. Well, 20 and a half year old. Hardly old. In fact I'd not even call myself a proper adult yet. I'm basically a baby chick. Barely hatched.
I found a wrinkle. Under my right eye. After washing my hands last night I looked in the mirror and found that my concealer had gathered in a little crevice. Hastily wiping at said crevice made me notice just how deep said "laugh line" is. I may have cried. Seriously! I feel incredibly silly. I mean, I'm the one who seriously believes neither 30, 40 or 50 are old ages. I believe in ageing gracefully, allowing people to make their own choices and that one can constantly be young at heart.
Is this another one of those things where I'm easy on other people but when it happens to me it's a tragedy? Taking a look at Bobbi Brown's Pretty Powerful campaign has me admiring laugh lines and grey hair. All these are proof of a life lived.
LiVED! The last syllable is where my fear comes from. L jokingly said, "Don't you know we're all dying from the day we're born?" Of course I know that! As depressing as that thought is I am very aware that most things in life can be avoided- except for death. Wrinkles mean closer to death. Closer to life being over. Closer to having lived one's life.
There have been many moments in my life where I've found myself wishing for death to come already. Nothing seems harder than to have to wait for the inevitable. I could die of a heart attack at age 40, in a car crash tomorrow or I could peacefully fall asleep at age 98. Or I could choose to die whenever I feel like it. Don't worry, guys, this is not going to be one of those posts. Because I fear death. I fear wasting years of hard work and accomplishment. I fear falling asleep and...all of a sudden not existing any more. Ping. Just like that.
Usually my fears are only placed onto other people in my life. I hate it when L drives somewhere by herself, I go insane when I lose my sister in a crowd and as a child I always feared my mother getting behind the wheel while angry. When I forget to mumble a sleepy, "I love you," to L in the mornings I convince myself that something terrible may happen to her during the day! Because what'll happen if they leave me here? I'll be all alone. And I really can't take being all alone. I'm an introvert, but I need to know (constantly!) that at the end of the day someone is there who loves me. Somewhere.
Before mentioned wrinkle showed me that my fears are creeping into my life. Not only is death and decay everywhere in the media. (A terrorist attack here, a father setting a house on fire there. Car crashes, plane crashes, Margaret Thatcher dead. The list goes on and on!) No, now I can see decay on my own body. So, please forgive me when I have a panic attack about all of this. It really doesn't have as much to do with vanity as you may think.
And with that my rather melodramatic rant is over! Kiss your lovers, partners, children, mothers, fathers and friends as much as possible. Please tell them you love them several times a day! Don't be as crazy about it as I am, but just make sure they know.
Lots of love,
p.s. No need to reassure me that no, I don't actually have one foot in the grave. I am aware of how ridiculous my little psychosis is. I know, I know!